dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
