why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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