so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
