dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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