I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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