We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
