The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
