alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
