I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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