he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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