I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
