I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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