The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Randomize
