I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
