Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
We have started to decorate penises.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
