Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
