i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
