I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
