bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Randomize
