i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
