Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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