ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
