well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
