I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this is an emotional support booty call
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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