Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I think my vagina is haunted
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
