I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just sent this text using only my big toe
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize