I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
