I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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