So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
