I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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