i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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