The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
