Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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