i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
