New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
