sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
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I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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