K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
