One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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