never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
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There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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