I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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