There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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