My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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