....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
