Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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