Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
