i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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