I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
