I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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