I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
