He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
