Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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