2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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