I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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