What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
