If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
