Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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