I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
