The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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