I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
